What We Have

I stood outside Elias' classroom door with two other moms. We all waited for our little ones to walk out the door. The same little ones who have changed our lives in ways we never imagined. I watched one mother's face as her daughter came out. "How did she do today?" She asked the teacher. I stood by and listened, I connected with the mother, as she wanted to know about a piece of her daughter's day that she would never know unless the teacher told her. I held Elias' hand and walked away, there wasn't enough time for me to hear all I wanted to about his day. I felt desperate to know a piece of his mind. What did he play with? Did he make a new friend? Did any of his teachers make him laugh? After I helped Elias into his carseat, I asked him how his day was. Ever since Elias started going to school I would ask him how his day was. In two years I have never heard from his mouth how his day was. Am I okay with that? Will it be another two years, and will I be okay with that?

Before we left the school I sat in my car and read the notes from Elias' teacher that described part of his day. I wasn't sure how I felt, I just knew that my heart hurt. It was another day of working through my life and things I never knew I would have to go through.

When we got home from school I helped Elias get ready for his nap and cuddled up next to him. I wanted to be close. If I couldn't know his mind I wanted to feel his hand on my face and his breath on my cheek. I wanted to watch his giggles turn into yawns and feel the beating of his heart. I wanted to be grateful for what we do have instead of what I wish we had. 

Some days I have to be reminded to rest in what God has given me, not what I think I should have, or what my son should have. I have so much.


© 2014 Natalie Falls