I Don't Know What I'm Doing
This whole special needs thing—I don't know what I'm doing. They tell me, "He's lucky to have you!" They say, "I could never do what you're doing, good thing you're his mom!" And I smile, I look down at Elias and my heart skips a beat. But to be honest, it doesn't always skip a beat. I have days with Elias like I have with Pia and Vitali—I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
This whole mom thing, how am I supposed to do it all? I want to give my children what they need but that seems impossible. Pia is extra clingy and wants to be carried everywhere. Elias needs help with finding something interesting to play with instead of chewing on his fingernails. Vitali wants me to be on his construction crew and help lay cement.
I want to do it all. I want to have the time, focus, and energy for what each little life needs. Some days I fall and I feel the weight of three lives that need so much.
When Aaron came home from work, he asked what I was going to do for the rest of the night. At this point I was trying not to cry, "I'm going to finish my dinner…and…" I put my head in my hands and let out some of the pain I felt from the day.
I know this season in my life comes with great purpose. I really want to face what is difficult and ask God to help me be a better mom. It is always the difficult moments, when I'm stretched and at the end of my rope, that I remember…I don't know what I'm doing, but God does. He has planned our family so beautifully. He wants me to find joy in His design.
This last week I struggled with comparing my personal situation with other moms. But I knew immediately that I was on dangerous ground. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. Let self-pity settle in my heart. Comparison is scary because it leads to resentment and bitterness. If I were to articulate the comparison I was thinking of it would mean that I'm not content with Vitali, Elias, and Pia. That their ages, personalities, and disabilities are not right for me. And when I put it that way, that is the last place I want to be. And I ask God, the maker of joy and our family, to please help me find contentment in every circumstance.
It is comforting to me that God knows what he is doing. Through my failure and discouragement God miraculously makes something beautiful out of me. He gives me a right perspective, one that is far from my own. Today I am clinging to God's word. There is nothing more precious to me and my children than his word.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."—Hebrews 4:16
"Your word is a light to my feet and a lamp to my path." —Psalm 119:105
"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you." —Palm 139:17,18
"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ…"—Philippians 1:6