Did you ever question God? Did you ask Him "Why?"
I remember standing over the hot stove trying to get dinner ready. Elias was only three months old at the time. He was enjoying looking at his toys and watching his brother run by him. I stared down at the spaghetti sauce as it began to bubble, my mind was full. I was trying to keep from an emotional explosion, but I couldn't anymore. I felt weak and at the end of my rope. I gripped the wooden spoon in my hand and slammed it on the tile countertop, crack! crack! crack! I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. Hot tears began to pour out. I felt angry. I lifted my head and my voice to God, "Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to my son? Why? Why?" I felt punished and unloved. Some days I felt like I had accepted that my son had Down syndrome. Other days I didn't.
I struggled with not knowing about my life anymore. I wanted to know that my son was going to be okay. I wanted to know now! I didn't want to wait.
I ran over and picked up Elias and cradled him in my arms, hoping that his tiny body would comfort me and calm my anxious heart.
There were many days I questioned what God was doing in my life and I don't regret those days. I needed those days. There was so much to process and work through. Even the anger and questioning has its place. Those are the days I remember the most. I remember God dealing with me patiently. Drawing my heart closer to His. He reminded me of His plan and that He knew what was best for my life and Elias' life. He brought me to devastation so that I would turn my eyes to Him. He showed me my untrusting and unbelieving heart. And He gave me peace and joy when I least expected it.
I have questioned God, and I'm sure i'll do it again. It is in those moments that I see my weakness and He draws me closer to His gentleness. There is peace in His plan.