Running From Hard Things
His voice is shaky and his eyes fill with tears. "I don't want to go to school. I don't ever want to go to school again!" I take a deep breath and buy some time as I take another bite of my bagel and a sip of my coffee. My throat tightens and I blink away tears. The first week of kindergarten has broken my heart and left me feeling unsure and unsettled.
I remember what my husband said to Vitali. "Do we run away from things that are hard, or do we face them?" We've had a lot of discussions around the breakfast table this week. We talked about David and how he faced difficulty when he fought Goliath. We talked about God being our strength and how he wants to help us. And then we started talking about our own lives. The things we have been scared of and wanted to run away from. And I could feel my sons heart beating. I knew the struggle in his soul. I felt connected to him...more than ever.
And when I left him at school and he begged for me to come back. As he yelled and screamed for comfort, I had to walk away. I had to let him experience God as his comforter.
And right now, I think of all the times I begged for comfort and screamed out to God to help me. When I was on my face, pressed hard to the floor. And my flesh hurt to live in because I had just lost my second baby to a miscarriage. And in those early days when my heart felt raw and confusion and anger filled my soul, I cried out to God "Why would you give me such a difficult life, why does my son have Down syndrome?"
And in these moments when I feel the pain of my children, I want to rescue them. I want to protect them from falling. I want to close their ears when someone speaks harsh words to them. Put my hand over their eyes when ugliness tempts their flesh. I want to be what I know I cannot be. But only God can be.
I want to be a mom that directs my children's hearts and souls to the only one that can give true comfort and peace. I want them to know God's power as I do. And when their face is to the floor and they are pressed hard to the ground. When they scream out to God, "Why?" I hope they can look at my life and see the comfort God has given me. I hope they will see me in my weakest moments, facing what is hard. And they will be amazed by God's strength and comfort—only He can give.