It's Bigger Than Me
When Elias was born I thought I learned not to hold on too tight to my dreams. I thought that with my next pregnancy I would not plan as much but that I would be okay with the unknown. This last week I have been speechless, I am at the end of myself and my tears are not finished. A year and a half ago I experienced the heartache of my first miscarriage, I never thought I would have to go through it again. A few days ago I held tight around my husband's neck and told him that I didn't want my baby bump to go away, I wept and I felt forced to let go of my second baby through a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if I should write about this experience and devastation that I feel, but I felt like I needed to, because it's bigger than me. I know there are other woman that have been down this road. I know there are some woman that live in fear through their pregnancies because they don't ever want to go through a past experience again. It is a dark hour to lose a child, it feels confusing, unsettling, and there are so many unanswered questions. For nine weeks I bonded with a precious life that was growing inside of me. My boys had already snuggled and kissed their new sibling. I didn't think it would happen again.
One of the best things I have been told this week is to embrace this time of pain. There is a part of me that wants to accept denial and live as though it never happened, but this would only cause more pain. I don't want to waste this time, but I am asking God to teach me and build my character.
I am broken and undone, but God is not finished with my life, his plans are greater than my own. Nine weeks was a gift. God gave me a life to carry for nine weeks and that was a gift that I am grateful for.
I've learned a lot in the past few years. I don't think my trials were given to me just for my own strengthening but also that I might comfort and relate to others. Our world has a lot of pain and hardship, but I have hope. I do not blame God, I draw near to him. He is my comforter, my sustainer.
I write these words to you and to myself, that we might find comfort in God's perfect and unfailing love.