I held my breath. I felt like I had been holding it for weeks. Waiting.
I prayed that I would be okay with what God had planned for me. Daily I faced the battle of control. My mind felt weary from the fight...I want to be the sustainer. I want to make sure my baby is breathing. Its heart is pounding. Its body developing. Chromosomes are added correctly.
I prayed and I couldn't stop, because if I did, my thoughts would be consumed with fear. So I said, "Whatever you have for me, you know what's best." It wasn't easy to say, but how free I felt!
The day I saw new life, the one that began beating just a few weeks after the one we lost...I was changed again. I've learned that living in the unknown and accepting it, is a powerful place to be. There is freedom in living outside of my plans. It is not comfortable, but I always feel the most alive. The most cared for.
I've seen the heart beat. I've felt the changes in my body. I can rest my hand on my swollen belly that carries life. But even though I can see and feel life, I still have to trust the sustainer of life. I still have to live and breathe prayers that give me freedom…Whatever you have for me, you know what is best.
These moments, these experiences. The days when I have felt pain—they have taught me to deny control and trust in the one who knows best. I am reminded to love deeply today, because it might be all I have. Living and loving what has been given today is powerful—full of freedom.