A New Life (12 Weeks)

I held my breath. I felt like I had been holding it for weeks. Waiting. 

I prayed that I would be okay with what God had planned for me. Daily I faced the battle of control. My mind felt weary from the fight...I want to be the sustainer. I want to make sure my baby is breathing. Its heart is pounding. Its body developing. Chromosomes are added correctly. 

I prayed and I couldn't stop, because if I did, my thoughts would be consumed with fear. So I said, "Whatever you have for me, you know what's best." It wasn't easy to say, but how free I felt!

The day I saw new life, the one that began beating just a few weeks after the one we lost...I was changed again. I've learned that living in the unknown and accepting it, is a powerful place to be. There is freedom in living outside of my plans. It is not comfortable, but I always feel the most alive. The most cared for. 

I've seen the heart beat. I've felt the changes in my body. I can rest my hand on my swollen belly that carries life. But even though I can see and feel life, I still have to trust the sustainer of life. I still have to live and breathe prayers that give me freedom…Whatever you have for me, you know what is best.

These moments, these experiences. The days when I have felt pain—they have taught me to deny control and trust in the one who knows best. I am reminded to love deeply today, because it might be all I have. Living and loving what has been given today is powerful—full of freedom.

Mud Pies And Dirty Bath Water

Some of my best memories as a kid were in the mud. Mud fights with cousins or mud pies with my sister, something about it made me feel free. Nothing has changed, my kids love mud too.

There are nights when I have to give them a double bath because the first one was filled with dirty water. Or squirt them off with the hose before they can come in the house. Those are the days I feel like I'm helping my kids make memories. Those are the times they feel free.

To mud!!

© 2014 Natalie Falls